Fake Words

Words That Don't Exist, But Should

agitpop (a-jit-pop) n. popular music that through its inane lyrics, annoying tune or repeated playing on radio or by underage listeners manages to egregiously agitate adults.

blogzilla (blog-zil-u) n. unnecessarily lengthy personal weblog that has obviously taken possession of its author’s mind and leaves visitors shrieking in fear at the thought of reading so much extraneous copy.

contraswipe (cän-trä-swîp) vt. Act of correctly swiping one’s ATM card, credit card, Metrocard, etc. through a card reader a second time after the card was incorrectly swiped or deemed unreadable the first time. See also "accuswipe," act of correctly swiping card through reader.

cyberhibernation (sï-bur-hï-bur-nå-shun) n. malfunction in which computer goes into energy-saving "sleep" mode and won't return or "wake up" to full operability~vb cyberhibernate, adj cyberhibernating.

cyberpathology (sï-bur-pa-tha-lo-je) n. the study of computer viruses.

Erin Go Blah (ä-rin-gô-blä) n. a complete indifference to Irish culture marketed on a mass level to the extent that it loses meaning and becomes merely tiresome, e.g. theatrical productions featuring step dancing; Cloddagh rings; and wall plaques proffering inspirational or pub-related messages.

earphonius (ër-fön-ë-us) adj. worn-out, icky feeling of the outer ear one gets after talking on the phone for too long.

ept (ept) adj. fit, reasonable, sensible, competent. Word has fallen out of language due to lack of use.

esotourism (es-o-tor-ism) n. the practice of traveling exclusively to extremely obscure locations, i.e. Antarctica, Andorra, British Honduras, or Michigan’s Upper Peninsula.

hautexertion (hôt-ex-er-shun) n. act of trying with all one’s might to be cool, hip and happening.

holdus perpetuus (hold-us pur-pet-yoo-us) n. state of being on the phone and put on hold and never taken off, leaving one listening to silence, innocuous "hold" music, corporate messages or a local radio station and debating whether or not to hang up.

juvenescent (jü-ven-es-ent) n. prepubescent child who sports the appearance, demeanor and attitude of an adolescent.

kindercash (kin-dur-cash) n. marketing term for the much-coveted disposable income of children and pre-teens.

lexiconjob (lek-se-kän-jäb) n. a book containing an arrangement of invented words and definitions that are not, or not yet, in use, for the purpose of deceiving or entertaining the reader.

mediscrawl (me-di-skrôl) n. the practically illegible handwriting mysteriously acquired by physicians, much to the chagrin of patients, pharmacists and other health-care professionals.

oblivfridgeate (ö-bliv-frij-ät) vt. act of putting foodstuffs in refrigerator and then forgetting they exist. See also fridgeivion—n. place in the back of the refrigerator that is the home of the forgotten food, which is usually found in containers or wrapped in foil or wax paper and in a state of putrefaction.

post postal depression (pöst-pöst-ul di-pre-shun) n. the extremely letdown feeling experienced when one has been expecting intriguing mail (the newest Land’s End catalog, at the very least), only to discover it’s nothing more than credit-card offers, promotional pieces addressed to "resident" and yet another AOL CD.

shrink rap (shrink rap) n. two or more people discussing their therapists and/or their therapy in general.

surreal estate (sur-rël-es-tät) n. building or residence redesigned or renovated in an unusual way, i.e. tub in bedroom, five different types of molding in living room, to evoke a sense of unreality from visitors or prospective buyers.

—Ela Schwartz